Not Since May 29th

I am going back to work tomorrow, in my office, where I haven’t been since May 29th. That’s a long time. I worked from home some days before I started the stem sell transplant. And I’ve been working from home full time since August 24th. But I’ve been home here, for a long time (save the time at Brigham and Women’s for the stem cell transplant). A long ass time.

So, up a little earlier tomorrow. Put on some “real” clothes. Coffee in a travel mug. The Q Bridge commute. Walking from the parking garage to my office (glad it isn’t calling for rain). And then seeing all my work “peeps”. It’s been a long time. Did I say that already? You know, there aren’t that many people in your life you see 5 days out of 7, week in and week out. Only those you live with and those you work with. So many of them have been incredibly supportive, I am truly blessed.

I didn’t share my illness with everyone I work with (there are over 400 people in my building and because of the work I do I see probably 75% of them in a week). My wig was pretty darn good and didn’t give me away. (Although I suppose in retrospect, when I disappeared after that Friday in May, people said “Aha!”). So going back to a chorus of “how are you feeling?” and “I didn’t know.” and “I’m so sorry” etc. is not something I am looking forward to. But, I’ve been through this before as I did not share Ken’s illness with many people at work and it wasn’t until after he died that people knew what was going on.

I am looking forward to seeing everyone, especially the people in my department. I’ve been told it is very quiet without me there – ha! I bring the noise!

So no wig tomorrow, just my new short do, which a nurse yesterday at Smilow told me looked liked Charlize Theron, to which I replied, not Brittney Spears? At any rate, I will take me less time to get ready in the morning!

Published by

Heather

I never thought I’d be writing a blog, and certainly not one that is all about me, and yet, here I am. For me life has always been interesting, not mundane, not always exciting per se, but hardly ever the norm. When I say “It’s always something…” I don’t hear it as my life is a mess, it;s always something. It’s more of life is challenging and evolving and messy and inspiring and wondrous, it’s always something. I grew up in suburbia, buy my grandfather was the head of the Communist Party in the U.S. I was raised keeping that a secret, so that was something. I am tall, always have been, really tall (6’1″), I was taller than every human being in my elementary school when I was in 6th grade, that is still something. My parents divorced in my teens. I got a full basketball scholarship to Duke University. I married my high school basketball coach, 18 years my senior. I raised a stepson. I had two amazing kids of my own. We had a multicultural household, secular christian (I guess that’s what I would call it, you know Santa and the Easter Bunny) and Judaism, I used to say if it was a holiday – we celebrated it! We were uber involved in our community, mostly through youth athletics, coaching, managing and spectating. Our kids grew up, I started a photography business on the side (I hope to share some photos here) and we planned to travel a bit together, went to Portugal for our 25th anniversary and then my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, initially they gave him 5 years, but he only survived for a little over two. I was going to say lived, but really, it was more like surviving. That, indeed, was something. I became a widow at 49. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But, then it was something in another way. I relearned who I was. You don’t realize how much of you becomes a combination of you and another person in a relationship. And not in a bad way, it is essential, and you don’t lose yourself, you just evolve. And I found myself suddenly alone, and learning about myself and who I had become over the years, what was just me, and what was part of who we were together. Which in retrospect, was probably hardest on those around me who had gotten used to the old me, or never even knew the original me. A year later I found love again. Sold my home of 31 years and moved closer to work. I became more fit, ate more healthfully and was amazed that I could be happy, truly happy, in the wake, no not wake, but the shadow of such profound grief. And that is truly something, something amazing and unexpected. And then, through some routine blood work in April 2014, and a visit to a hematologist and bone marrow biopsy in May, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. And so, yes, for me right now it’s multiple myeloma, but that is not all, there are still highs and joys, and the mundane and the rest, but something like cancer does cast a pretty long shadow.

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