Annoyances = Good Signs

I have been home now for a little over three weeks. I am still experiencing fairly intense fatigue, but it is better. I feel queasy almost all the time, but that is better than true nausea. I am suffering from dry mouth and things still don’t taste right, but fewer things.

One of the good signs is that I am starting to be a little bored. When I was feeling terrible I wasn’t bored at all. I am tired of being bald with stubble. When I didn’t feel well I truly didn’t give a shit. I am annoyed putting on mascara because I have fewer eyelashes than I did before plus I need to use a little brow liner. Again, when I was feeling gross I didn’t care that I didn’t look so great. And I am more than ready to eat outside of my house – really ready. Did I say I was ready?

So the fact that I am getting nudgy, bored and feeling ugly is a good thing – it means I am feeling better!

And the better news for me is that I have less than two weeks before almost all the food restrictions are lifted and I can venture into uncrowded restaurants. I will still have to be very careful about staying away from sick people and continue to work on building my strength and endurance and I hope the queasiness ends soon.

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I never thought I’d be writing a blog, and certainly not one that is all about me, and yet, here I am. For me life has always been interesting, not mundane, not always exciting per se, but hardly ever the norm. When I say “It’s always something…” I don’t hear it as my life is a mess, it;s always something. It’s more of life is challenging and evolving and messy and inspiring and wondrous, it’s always something. I grew up in suburbia, buy my grandfather was the head of the Communist Party in the U.S. I was raised keeping that a secret, so that was something. I am tall, always have been, really tall (6’1″), I was taller than every human being in my elementary school when I was in 6th grade, that is still something. My parents divorced in my teens. I got a full basketball scholarship to Duke University. I married my high school basketball coach, 18 years my senior. I raised a stepson. I had two amazing kids of my own. We had a multicultural household, secular christian (I guess that’s what I would call it, you know Santa and the Easter Bunny) and Judaism, I used to say if it was a holiday – we celebrated it! We were uber involved in our community, mostly through youth athletics, coaching, managing and spectating. Our kids grew up, I started a photography business on the side (I hope to share some photos here) and we planned to travel a bit together, went to Portugal for our 25th anniversary and then my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, initially they gave him 5 years, but he only survived for a little over two. I was going to say lived, but really, it was more like surviving. That, indeed, was something. I became a widow at 49. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But, then it was something in another way. I relearned who I was. You don’t realize how much of you becomes a combination of you and another person in a relationship. And not in a bad way, it is essential, and you don’t lose yourself, you just evolve. And I found myself suddenly alone, and learning about myself and who I had become over the years, what was just me, and what was part of who we were together. Which in retrospect, was probably hardest on those around me who had gotten used to the old me, or never even knew the original me. A year later I found love again. Sold my home of 31 years and moved closer to work. I became more fit, ate more healthfully and was amazed that I could be happy, truly happy, in the wake, no not wake, but the shadow of such profound grief. And that is truly something, something amazing and unexpected. And then, through some routine blood work in April 2014, and a visit to a hematologist and bone marrow biopsy in May, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. And so, yes, for me right now it’s multiple myeloma, but that is not all, there are still highs and joys, and the mundane and the rest, but something like cancer does cast a pretty long shadow.

8 thoughts on “Annoyances = Good Signs”

  1. You are correct nudgy is very good but take it slow! Have you tried ginger tea for queasiness? You can make your own using fresh ginger. Also you are a beautiful woman even without makeup so don’t fret! Peace, love and faith, Carol


  2. Keep truckin’ girlfriend!! (I’ve been listening to a little too much Grateful Dead lately:))) You are making great process and all of your effort will pay off!!!


  3. When patients in the hospital get grumpy and start to complain we always think that’s excellent news!
    The end is near! I’m excited for you. The way you have handled this has been inspirational.


  4. I’m hoping this gets through, as I have had trouble posting, all along. Giving it another try.
    I think you are truly one damn strong person, Heather Liberman! You inspire with your honesty, and your brilliant right-out-there writing ability. Writing a book should be in your future, as inspiration and guidance to anyone fighting cancer. Two more weeks…so awesome. You’re a champion. xo


  5. I hope you’re feeling better by the day. You’re a beautiful woman and wish you a speedy recovery. You’ve been through alot and you will beat it! I’m in remission now, only taking Revlimid for maintenance. I’m staying positive and hope you are too. Thinking of you, and hope your feeling like your old self real soon.♡


  6. Your journal inspires me to forget about the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff, and focus on what is really important like good health, family and friends and faith. You are on this journey for a reason and doing a bang up job I might add. Please consider sharing your experience on a much wider scale. So happy to hear about all the progress you have made. How was the pizza?


  7. Grumpy and pissed off is good. It takes energy, and energy is a kind of health. I remember you telling me a story once about Kyle… maybe in junior high… playing basketball. Someone had pissed him off.. and as a result, he made some amazing plays, and had an excellent game. Being pissed off can be powerful! Use it to your advantage. …Also… I remember you telling me about how Kyle, in another basketball came, kept asking some kid who his mom was in the stands…! Love that! Mental manipulation at its finest…


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