If you know me, if you know me at all, you likely are aware that patience is not a strong suit of mine. I’d like to think that I have become more patient as I get older, but suffice it to say I had a long way to go!

My recovery is moving at what times feels like a snail’s pace. My first week home I was very fatigued, laying around a lot since even sitting up made me tired. Sarah reminded me that anything I was doing, above and beyond going to the bathroom, was more than I was doing in the hospital. Last week I did walk every day, but was stuck at a 15 minute stroll. And the nausea, pretty persistent.

But this week, I am finally seeing some progress. I added 5 minutes to my walk and yesterday felt pretty good doing it which means I might be up to 25 minutes soon. I am spending more time sitting up than laying down as the week moves on. And speaking of the week moving on, I was pleasantly surprised that it was already Thursday, time is moving a bit faster as well.

I am still napping, but not every day. I am cooking on average one meal, maybe one and a half meals per day. I am starting to get back to doing my daily squats, formerly 40/day, today I did 15.

I went to Smilow for my third check up today and saw the APRN. She said I “looked great” (surprise) and that I am “ahead of the game”, so that’s good.  My WBC and neutrophils have dropped a bit (to be expected) and I may need a neupogen shot next week (“to remind the bone marrow what we want it to be doing”). But platelets and hematocrit both look good.The nausea is lingering, she said that the weird feeling I have on my tongue is what is likely happening all along my GI tract, so that makes sense. I’ve gone a whole day and sometimes a half a day with no nausea meds but it’s pretty inconsistent. I head to Dana Farber with my sister on Monday. We’ll see what they say there.

Scot has been a trooper doing the daily bathroom/kitchen cleaning. Sarah did a bang up job doing the dusting and floor cleaning this week – who knew she could clean so well – a lot has happened since she left home! And I want to thank everyone for the cards, texts, messages and emails – and Carol for the Life is Good shirt!

I have started to have some visitors which is nice, it breaks up the day. And folks have been giving Sarah and Scot the occasional reprieve from “walking me”.

And then there’s my hair. I have some stubble/fuzz. I am very curious (read: impatient) about what it is going to look like a week from now, two weeks from now, etc. Only time will tell…

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I never thought I’d be writing a blog, and certainly not one that is all about me, and yet, here I am. For me life has always been interesting, not mundane, not always exciting per se, but hardly ever the norm. When I say “It’s always something…” I don’t hear it as my life is a mess, it;s always something. It’s more of life is challenging and evolving and messy and inspiring and wondrous, it’s always something. I grew up in suburbia, buy my grandfather was the head of the Communist Party in the U.S. I was raised keeping that a secret, so that was something. I am tall, always have been, really tall (6’1″), I was taller than every human being in my elementary school when I was in 6th grade, that is still something. My parents divorced in my teens. I got a full basketball scholarship to Duke University. I married my high school basketball coach, 18 years my senior. I raised a stepson. I had two amazing kids of my own. We had a multicultural household, secular christian (I guess that’s what I would call it, you know Santa and the Easter Bunny) and Judaism, I used to say if it was a holiday – we celebrated it! We were uber involved in our community, mostly through youth athletics, coaching, managing and spectating. Our kids grew up, I started a photography business on the side (I hope to share some photos here) and we planned to travel a bit together, went to Portugal for our 25th anniversary and then my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, initially they gave him 5 years, but he only survived for a little over two. I was going to say lived, but really, it was more like surviving. That, indeed, was something. I became a widow at 49. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But, then it was something in another way. I relearned who I was. You don’t realize how much of you becomes a combination of you and another person in a relationship. And not in a bad way, it is essential, and you don’t lose yourself, you just evolve. And I found myself suddenly alone, and learning about myself and who I had become over the years, what was just me, and what was part of who we were together. Which in retrospect, was probably hardest on those around me who had gotten used to the old me, or never even knew the original me. A year later I found love again. Sold my home of 31 years and moved closer to work. I became more fit, ate more healthfully and was amazed that I could be happy, truly happy, in the wake, no not wake, but the shadow of such profound grief. And that is truly something, something amazing and unexpected. And then, through some routine blood work in April 2014, and a visit to a hematologist and bone marrow biopsy in May, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. And so, yes, for me right now it’s multiple myeloma, but that is not all, there are still highs and joys, and the mundane and the rest, but something like cancer does cast a pretty long shadow.

4 thoughts on “Patience”

  1. Hi Heather, So glad that you are feeling better (little by little, everything counts!). It is really frustrating not to have “enough” energy to do what you would like but it does get better. So happy that you are being well cared for and being walked. All my best to you, Denise


  2. I want to see what your hair looks like before you get a chance to color it!! Ha! Kind of cool to think of a whole new head of hair coming in. By the time it grows beyond the length of finger-styling, you’ll have the energy to play with it. …looking forward to “walking you” tomorrow. : ) Hope you don’t get off your leash and bolt into the street! : )


  3. Life is good even though there are some not so very good days! I am so very glad you are gaining your strength back even if it is slow going. You do more exercising than I do and I am sure it is because you are a lot younger than I am! Peace, lots of faith and love, Carol


  4. So happy to hear a about your great progress. Months from now this will all seem like such a short time in the grand scheme of life. Sending healing thoughts and prayers your way. At least it’s summer time and great for walking on the beach.


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