Day +9

Today was markedly better than yesterday. And yes, Cheryl, although I did not mention it in yesterday’s blog I did puke yesterday. I had been trying really hard to convince myself that I was less nauseous than I had been and I misplayed it and ended up throwing up before breakfast. Proof that the power of positive thinking is not always enough. 

Today my numbers are still in the trenches but still my WBC doubled from 0.04 to 0.08, platelets are 14 and hematocrit at 24.7. 

I haven’t napped since this morning and It was only thirty minutes compared to my typical two hours. I am starting to feel a little bit bored so that must be a good sign. 

Sarah has been force feeding me liquids, constantly filling my cup with ice and whatever beverage I have around. If I can drink enough I can earn some time disconnected from the IV pole. 

We watched a Sex and the City marathon today and had a lovely visit from my niece Jen. 

I am going to use the power of positive thinking to have the way I feel today be a trend and not just a blip, which will also make it more likely that I’ll be able to come home sooner. 

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I never thought I’d be writing a blog, and certainly not one that is all about me, and yet, here I am. For me life has always been interesting, not mundane, not always exciting per se, but hardly ever the norm. When I say “It’s always something…” I don’t hear it as my life is a mess, it;s always something. It’s more of life is challenging and evolving and messy and inspiring and wondrous, it’s always something. I grew up in suburbia, buy my grandfather was the head of the Communist Party in the U.S. I was raised keeping that a secret, so that was something. I am tall, always have been, really tall (6’1″), I was taller than every human being in my elementary school when I was in 6th grade, that is still something. My parents divorced in my teens. I got a full basketball scholarship to Duke University. I married my high school basketball coach, 18 years my senior. I raised a stepson. I had two amazing kids of my own. We had a multicultural household, secular christian (I guess that’s what I would call it, you know Santa and the Easter Bunny) and Judaism, I used to say if it was a holiday – we celebrated it! We were uber involved in our community, mostly through youth athletics, coaching, managing and spectating. Our kids grew up, I started a photography business on the side (I hope to share some photos here) and we planned to travel a bit together, went to Portugal for our 25th anniversary and then my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, initially they gave him 5 years, but he only survived for a little over two. I was going to say lived, but really, it was more like surviving. That, indeed, was something. I became a widow at 49. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But, then it was something in another way. I relearned who I was. You don’t realize how much of you becomes a combination of you and another person in a relationship. And not in a bad way, it is essential, and you don’t lose yourself, you just evolve. And I found myself suddenly alone, and learning about myself and who I had become over the years, what was just me, and what was part of who we were together. Which in retrospect, was probably hardest on those around me who had gotten used to the old me, or never even knew the original me. A year later I found love again. Sold my home of 31 years and moved closer to work. I became more fit, ate more healthfully and was amazed that I could be happy, truly happy, in the wake, no not wake, but the shadow of such profound grief. And that is truly something, something amazing and unexpected. And then, through some routine blood work in April 2014, and a visit to a hematologist and bone marrow biopsy in May, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. And so, yes, for me right now it’s multiple myeloma, but that is not all, there are still highs and joys, and the mundane and the rest, but something like cancer does cast a pretty long shadow.

8 thoughts on “Day +9”

  1. I think boredom is a good sign….that you have “turned the corner.” Know that we are always thinking of you.
    Cathy & Ken


  2. Keep climbing the mountain Heather. Soon you will be able to see the other side. Peace, faith and love, Carol


  3. You are almost there, so hang in there. Sending positive vibrations to you for better and better days ahead. Cherish all the love and support around you. Take care, Ann Marie


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